◀ Chapter 1 - Part 9
- Chapter 2 - The Menace Within - The Beginning ▶Chapter 1 Complete Recap ...AND SO IT BEGINS..
Luke and Han ascended the steps and stopped for more med droids had surrounded the body and to their surprise the Hoth scout pilot reported the arrival of seven shaven taun-tauns and Leia in Slave Outfit which didn't match with any of the decor and she didn't have her makeup on her.
Then she fell into a puddle of mud, muddy dress revealing shapely new style mobile phone.
MEANWHILE... On Sullust evil Darth Vader stood there saying "Bite Me Disney" what is error 1319?
“It is time to go to the bar I must speak with Luke about his Mother and her unique skills - Jabba's juicy jowly jive"
SUDDENLY... distant thunder announced Boba's big bad butt all in flames because the sarlaac pit had been filled with unstable Bantha Poo-Doo. Boba crashed at Leia's house because overpowered guard reserve everything, Imperials head in sand, the cold weather, had somehow saved him from being turned into a bug riddled update.
Meanwhile, Luke is laughing at lack of continuity rife throughout his life and pondering wtf does developers get paid for and why do they keep making those frags!
So Dennis decided to run off to Ahch-To to steal plans of the first lightsaber. However he traded it for four silly little Porgs which are really pokemon because Dennis didn't like the Rodian Snipers that killed game.
MEANWHILE on Gruf Lightspinner, a pilot, flew over Sullust and espied an Imperial installation which resembled activated Armory. He daydreamed of either his glorious awesomeness or skipping the base or the Twilek threesome he Could never have ha, but he did have a lovely Snickers Bar! Much better than ration-bars.
So he went to complete the scouting pass, but Chewbacca shaved his course too close to - Wait, he shaved what? - the jungle planet, Mayhew - OHHHH, his course, compensating…
Meanwhile, Gruf is looking for the nearest cantina so he can hire Twi’lek Dream Girls who can force choke Ewoks and make a sandwich but ewoks will never fear Twi’leks because they sing Nub-Nub song which strikes fear in opponents like the Haka, but more awesome!
SUDDENLY, Yoda Coughs…..”haka? What Haka?” … “Haka do you must!” …“A disturbance, I feel”… “Crashing, Gruf must be.”
Gruf adjusted the controls, and removed his socks, braced for impact and, crash landed on Endor.
Mystified at the distance traveled. He left the Pilot seat and gathered his blaster and blue backpack filled with sugar packets to smuggle back to the rastas who were friends of the Hutt clan, and Disney Inc... Which kinda strange is for rastas who play loud reggae dancing to "Stepping Razor", but that got out of hand so Luke had told Gruf “no.”because he didn't want Leia to get her undergarments in a bunch.
MEANWHILE... Emperor Palpatine pondered... “Where is that reggae the ewok threat has hinted at?”
Gruf though was more relaxed. He walked quickly from the Grocery store to the nearest hill. Turning about he decided to drink water with sugar from a Starbucks sugar sachet spiked with white lightning.
The sound of approaching battle noises announce arrival of a battalion of Undead soldiers led by zombified Darth Sidious who himself fought a cyborg band of mutant Ewoks while the Undead faced Jedi wielding Lightsabers that backed up Wookiee warriors.
Overhead, a Squadron of Modified Heavy B-Wings dropped explosive Baby Spiders while Zombie Sidious used Force Levitated Death Troopers to blast the bombers. The explosions killed all but a handful of the Undead and most of the wookies! But the Cyborg Ewoks began replicating!
Seeing this, Gruf hightailed it to Dagobah where he hoped to find Yoda. But leaving Sullust blasting Bob Marley tunes,"No ewok no cry”.
(12 hours later)
Gruf arrived, finding strange messages from mara jade…
"I shot the Jedi......."
“But I didn't loot…”
“How’s Luke Mara?”
Gruf reminisced about his days, back when he could drink all evening and solemnly he trudged along to the Dagobah Cantina to make it rain.
SUDDENLY, Jada appear, frightened, "lattes cost HOW much?"
"Blue Milk" quipped Bartender.
Jada had the stolen recipe for concocting the thermal detonator necessary to make a Tindarian Sunrise. Killing Yoda would be pointless, since he’s old, So she targeted his right knee cap with a wild swing from Yoda's brother who appeared from under the bardisk?!
Blue-Milk-Latte in hand, he pulled his light saber - and lo and behold;
Wham! Zzzzaap! Swish! Thump!
An arm fell to the floor, still clutching a Peter Tosh CD, and a huge reefer.
Sipping his Blue-Milk-Latte, Yoda remarked on unbearable lightness-of-being being high as a kite.
At hearing that, Gruf awoke from his dream... Thank goodness..... sweating, shaking, he moves, door locked!... fear grows... he reaches for his Hologram Projector, because he always keeps it with holographic Leia images of Jabba's juicy skin folds.
Gruf charted a course in darkened room to better see the stars because, why not?
Later, Gruf went for his espresso and headed to his stargazer's screen to observe the Death Star explode.
Gruf's Radio crackled... "Help!..."
“we’ve lost control of”
Gruf throw his espressom, he hated cold espresso.
A distant brilliant flash distracted him from his thoughts.
"What!?" Gruf stated, “a light-bulb going off”. He shook his head.
SUDDENLY... Gruf is grabbed. “You threw away espresso!!!", a unknown voice stated.
Steely eyed, Gruf responded quizzically - "Who are you?"
"I am your Father"
"FATHER!?" yelled Gruf, "Imposter!"...
"I'm a clone, idiot!”
Gruf pulls Blaster - *Pew* *Pew*...
He missed 3-meters away.....(Storm trooper clone)
*missed shots (on purpose) shatters a window with a loud crash*
Gruf leaps from window, leaving his "father" confused. Gruf heads toward the cantina for a beer, or maybe two beers,... and all memories disappear. Stealthily, Father stalks Gruf for about 12 seconds then stops, sends report.
Meanwhile, on Kamino Darth, Vader has just finished killing the last clone after a particularly bad cappuccino.
"That's the last time I add moonshine.”
The stormtrooper barista slowly turned around and said “DJ, play some Clash”. Then Vader headed to the barista and said “Kamino will die, NOW!”
Just then, "London burning" <crash!> went the radio, yet, the music continued, too noisily for Vader.
Horror appeared when Luke realized he wasn't wearing his earmuffs. Aghast he yelled "WTF Vader? Why are you so dark!"
(Vader replied) "because comedy Is darkness!” Luke guffawed. Vader pulled his saber, and Luke guffawed more. Enraged, Vader slashed at the nearest clone, cleanly.
"Luke, I'm sorry for what I'm about to do in cutting off your right hand, literally."
"Crap, not again!" Luke shouted indignantly! "Why can't you let go of that cliché disarming method?!" (pun intended)
Vader swings, misses, then asks Luke "why won't you join me so we can rule together?"
“Because you’re INSANE!” replies (Luke). So Luke force choked - or tried to anyway - his father. This was an exercise in futility because Vader was dead.
Gruff awoke, again. Another nightmare. Gruf looked around. Twi'lek was by his door, his housekeeper. He pushed the other Twi'lek away, "dimmit you burned Breakfast!” So he left with just a cappuccino off to a new assignment. He expected a big payout after the Target: Relna Tor (that) was a very renowned crime Boss, but she was touring with a rockband around the Outer Rim playing old Clash tracks. That was criminal activity The Hutts were pleased to have the carbonite slab containing Jar-Jar hanging in front of the Naboo Palace, where strange noises were coming from Slave 1 (patrol attack craft), which had Jango Fett at controls, and Boba's helmet on. Jango killed Boba after he escaped the Sarlaac.
"...and Luke thought Vader was Evil, well Necro-Jango... Hmm..." Jango wondered aloud. “I’m crazier than Vader”
Jango had frozen Chewy With “the look” weird.
Jabba laughed, "Jango... Friend...MaBoonie Ho Ho Ho" Jabba paid 6 million Twi'lek slaves to help start the celebratory BBQ for acquiring frozen Chewy Via Jango from Relna. At Jabbas Palace, Jango thought he would be Feted. He unknowingly stood on Jabbas tail which Jabba flicked, flinging Jango onto the gate lever of the Rancor pit, but Jango Jetpacked away. Unfortunately he hit the Carbonite De-Freeze Button, causing disco balls to deploy as Chewbacca unfroze, horrifying the crowd of onlookers by doing La Macarena, then dropping it like Crazy. He ripped Jabba's Chandelier down and walked to Bib Fortuna, kissed the twilek and headed out the door, without Giving any F**** whatsoever!
Jabba killed Jango by a series of incredible aerial acrobatics ending with a poke in his eye after landing squashing Jango!
He (Chewbacca) commandeered a ship to go to Tatooine to seek revenge on Kylo Ren for murdering him playing galatic chess. (Told ya before, let the wookie win)
Chewbacca in Slave-1 arrived where he met Han (!) in force ghost form outside Cantina.
"Why" Chewbacca exclaimed "did you leave me for Reina Gale?, and since when can female companionship replace our Team! I left Lumpy, beloved son, on Endor to rot in infamy!”
Han responded "Our bromance..."
"was a last chance......."
"in our own parlance"
"to show the importance..."
"of not being cranky-pants....."
"or showing your extravagance..."
"so stop this arrogance"
"getover Reina's rearview glance...."
" and enhance our acquaintance..."
Then Han's ghost disappeared. Chewbacca, saddened, entered Cantina and spotted Kylo sitting alone, in a dark wishing he was Worf the utterly useless, yet strangely affable and uniquely angry Klingon. Chewy grabbed the chandelier from before, and smashed Kylo's face.
Kylo's toddler-temper-tantrum was pathetic and as a result, Kylo spent the night cradling his sith-teddy bear. Chewy stormed Kylo's room, Kylo's anger management Skype (was on) with arm ripping pictures, gratuitous bloodletting, and decapitations.
Chewy returned to the ship, Slave-1, carrying the unconscious Kylo, to deliver to the sarlaac pit and his reggae band. Chewy ripped Kylo's arms, throwing them into Sarlacc Pit followed by the 6ft Rueben sandwich made by a Gorn sycophant. After all was done, Chewie decided he’d had enough Tatooine, longing for his home world Kashyyyk. Fortunately, there was a Starbucks onboard the flight, or the flight attendants might of had to deal with a caffeine-withdrawing Wookie.
Arriving Kashyyyk, Chewbacca met a life-insurance sales rep concerning Lumpawaroo's Death payment. Negotiations were swift because Chewy ripped his head clean off his torso with the good-ol chandelier. (it sure is useful!)
Force Ghost Han appeared...
"Arrghrlll Raargghslso owruuugghg qaoooarhgt"(Translation: "Where's the holo projector, you fraud! Everyone knows non-jedi can't be force ghosts. And Where's my blue-milk latte? What's a wookie got to do to get a decent cup of coffee around here?"
The language of Kashyyk is very succinct)
*Force Ghost Han Speaking to Chewbacca to send him on important mission*
"Midi-Chlorians enabled my appearance... Or maybe the forum-members. Chewbacca go to D'Qar..."(D'Qar is verdant planet located in the Outer Rim Territories, in the Ileenium system, that hosts the Resistance's base of operations during the rise of the First Order)
"rwowoodlldld arraghgh Obi-Wan rorotosoototo"(Translation: midi-chlorians? Are you kidding me? Qui-Gon Jinn discovered how to be a force ghost, and contacted Yoda. Yoda gave Obi-Wan Kenobi special instruction to pass into the Force at the end of Revenge of the Sith. An ordinary human just can't be a force ghost. If all it took were midi-cholorians everywhere in the Star Wars Universe would by crowded with Force-ghosts of dead jedi. And seriously, Where's my latte?"
You really have to admire the succinctness of wookie)
*Force Ghost Han Speaking*
"Chewy, D'Qar needs you..."
*Force Ghost Han points to Jawa heading their way with Chewbacca's Blue-Milk Latte*
Grrrilllaaaargg rrrraaccckkin mmmeraaarggh bbbragghha (Translation :- ok)
Chewbacca gulps down latte ... and onto another storyline!Chapter 2 - The Menace Within - The Beginning ▶